


a study in violet

by orphan_account



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/F, also isak/isabel is friends w/ the girl squad instead of the boy squad, canon things are implied/referenced, it's a little bit just a character study but, it's sorta similar to my ingrid fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 18:10:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10443963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Then - the most beautiful girl Isabel has ever seen. She looks up and smiles at them, and Isabel wonders how she's never seen this girl before because she radiates like the sun, long legs and soft blonde hair and petal pink lips and eyes as blue as the sky. It's terrifying and wonderful all at once and it hits Isabel like a brick wall.





	

**Author's Note:**

> basically i saw something where isak was a girl and friends with the girl squad and i ran with it. i like the beginning waaaay better than the end (i'm not that fond of the end) but i wrote for three hours so oh well.  
> there are references to isabel's moms illness + evelyn's and her suicide note, but they're pretty vague.

        The first time that Isabel sees Eva, she thinks that this must be love. Eva has long red hair that spills out like flames and a gasoline smile that could ignite the world. Isabel's heart pounds and she tries to convince herself that it's Jonas who she's staring at. It doesn't work, not really, but Isabel has spent a long time in denial. It's not hard for her to stay there.   
        (It is hard for her to stand back and watch the blissful smiles that spread across her best friend's faces, ignoring the flashes of dark green jealousy that target her chest.  _I stayed,_ she wants to yell.  _I stayed when Ingrid and Sara and the whole world turned against you._ )  
        (But she can't. She can't hurt Eva like that, never could. So she says nothing and smiles and pretends that everything is okay.)  
        They arrive at Upper Secondary School as a trio, but Isabel knows it's really this: a duo and a lovesick puppy trailing after them. She knows it but she doesn't let it cross her mind, forcing stares at hard edges and hiding glances at soft curves.   
        Eva wants to go to a party. Jonas can't make it. Isabel says she'll go, chest beating with  _want want want_  as she pretends that the guilt settling in her stomach is because she's leaving Jonas all alone. She curls her hair and paints on dark lipstick, wears clothes that hug her body and leave little to the imagination.  _There'll be boys there_ , she tells herself, and tries not to notice that Eva looks achingly good.  
        (Then again, Eva always looks achingly good.)  
        No matter how much she wants to, Isabel doesn't remind Eva that she's there, has always been there, while Jonas is out making friends with boys who smoke weed and call each other _bro_.  
        (She only knows because she caught Jonas, once, smoke curling out of his mouth. _Don't tell Eva_ , he warned, and Isabel promised not to.)  
        (She told Eva a lie that night, and it tasted like betrayal on her tongue.)  
        The party is too loud and she loses Eva to the crowd. In the first five minutes, someone presses a drink into her hand and someone else presses their hand against a place Isabel doesn't want to get touched. She startles and moves away quickly, Eva's name on her lips and Eva herself nowhere in sight.  
        "You're looking for someone named Eva?"  
        The first thing that Isabel notices about this girl is her lipstick, bright and red and bold.  
        Isabel nods and the girl says she just talked to Eva, introduces herself as Noora and smiles without the danger that Isabel has come to associate with secondary school girls. _She seemed upset,_ Noora says, pointing out the way that Eva had gone after some girl had called her a slut.  
         _Ingrid_ , Isabel thinks, and takes off. She knows firsthand how much damage Ingrid can do; she was there when Ingrid tore Eva down and she was there for the aftermath, for Eva's tears and nuclear breakdown.   
        When she finds Eva, they leave.   
        Eva says she doesn't want to talk about it. Isabel knows better than to push.  
        She sleeps at Eva's that night, reluctant to return home.   
        (She reminds herself that Eva is just her friend, but Eva looks like art when she's asleep and Isabel feels like a liar.)  
        When Isabel first meets Vilde and Chris, Vilde enthusiastically tells her that she should join their russebuss. Isabel doesn't know why she agrees. Jonas calls her crazy, but Isabel thinks that maybe she needs to stop third-wheeling with her crush and ~~her~~ his ~~boyfriend~~  girlfriend.   
        At first it's a bumpy road, but soon it becomes this: Isabel and Eva and Noora and Vilde and Chris and Sana, and the dull ache in Isabel's chest is replaced with something lighter. Everything gets better.   
        (Eva and Jonas start fighting, brimming on war. Isabel feels guilty for feeling happy.)  
        (Eva asks her if she knows what Jonas has been up to, and tries to convince herself that she lied because Jonas asked her not to tell.)  
        (When they finally do break up, Isabel pushes down the stupid glimmer of hope that rises in her chest. She drinks until she blacks out and wakes up in some random guy's bed.)  
        Isabel never understands Vilde's obsession with hooking up with boys. They taste like whiskey and their stubble scratches against her lips and they always  _take take take_. In her mind, the rough hands and cologne become strawberry chapstick and perfume.   
        The other girls stare at the Penetrators and sigh dreamily. Isabel pretends to know what they're staring at.   
        (Vilde sleeps with William. Iben starts a fight. Eva and Ingrid make up.)  
        Isabel has nothing to do with it.  
        (Isabel's father leaves.)  
        Isabel has everything to do with it.  
        Her mother is wailing and Isabel can't breathe and Isabel's entire world has come crashing down. She feels like she's drowning under everything, under her parents, under her feelings, under the entire year.  
        Her first call is to Eva, who tells her that she's coming, she'll be there soon.  
        All the girls come to Isabel's house and she feels like maybe things will be okay because Chris is trying to make Isabel laugh and Eva is telling her that everyone is there for her and Noora is telling her that if Isabel ever needs somewhere to stay there's always space at the Kollektivet and everyone is holding Isabel up.   
        Then, it's rocky, but it's okay.   
        (There's a Christmas party. Vilde isn't pregnant. William is a dick.)  
        Isabel is reminded again why she doesn't like boys.   
        (She doesn't say it outright; she can't even admit it to herself. But Sana doesn't sleep with boys and Noora doesn't sleep with boys and nobody cares, so Isabel stops doing it too.  _I have nothing to prove_ , and she keeps saying it until it starts to feel true.)  
        Vilde asks Noora if she's a lesbian.  _Isabel can't breathe._  Noora says she's not.  _Isabel can't breathe._ Vilde says it's okay if she is.  _Isabel can't breathe._  
        (Isabel knows that Noora's not; Noora's already told her that she's in love with William. Isabel doesn't know what everyone sees in him. As far as she's concerned, he just seems like an asshole.)  
        Vilde asks Isabel if she's a lesbian.  _Isabel can't breathe._ She doesn't reply.  _Isabel can't breathe._ Vilde says it's okay if she is.  _Isabel can't breathe._  
        (Isabel wonders if Vilde's smarter than she lets on or if she's just being obvious. She tries not to care, but the words play themselves over and over again in her head, so she puts on mascara and bats her eyelashes at boys, trying not to wince when hands find their way up her skirt.)  
        Eventually, Isabel realizes that sometime in between _Eva and Jonas_ and _Noora and William,_ Eva turned from  _crush_  to  _friend_.  
         _Maybe,_ Isabel thinks, one midnight when her thoughts are racing and the universe seems too big,  _it really was Jonas. Maybe I'm not-_  
        She can't bring herself to finish the thought. It's only a phantom of a something, and she's not willing to let it be more.  
        When Isabel's mother gets worse, her friends are there for her. She layers concealer over the dark circles shadowing her eyes and sleeps at Noora's, staying away from home and screaming and glass shattering on the walls.  
        One day she admits that she doesn't want to go back home and she feels like a horrible person, stomach in knots and tears in her eyes.   
        They all promise that things will be okay, and she wants to believe them, she really does.  
        (Noora tells Vilde about William. The Penetrators get into a fight.)  
        Noora starts acting strange and Isabel can't pinpoint it. It reminds her of herself, masquerading, hiding, shrinking back from the world. It's so un-Noora that Isabel doesn't know how to react.   
        Noora tells them about Nikolai, about the drink and the blackout and it's all fear and white hot rage. Noora is strong and kind and good and Isabel is the opposite of that, and if that could happen to Noora, what could the universe have in store for her?  
        (But then everything's okay. Noora moves to London with William. Isabel becomes an official tenant of the Kollektivet.)  
        Isabel can't imagine it, loving someone so much that you would uproot your entire life for them. There's some small part of her that wants that, yearns for it so passionately that it scares the shit out of Isabel because she knows she'll probably never have it.  
        (Chris is dating Kasper. Vilde is jealous. They start year two.)  
        Some first year boy tries to flirt with her at a party and she rejects him. She doesn't think much of it.  
        Vilde decides that she wants to start a Kosegruppa and Isabel thinks that it's a terrible idea, but things seem off without Noora around and Vilde seems more excited about this than she has in a while, so she agrees to go along with it.   
        Isabel feels a little silly, following Vilde and Sana and Eva around in the lunch room as they try to recruit members, but she doesn't say anything.  
        They talk to a boy in a red jacket. A girl in a flower crown. Even Jonas, who Isabel doesn't see much anymore.  
        Then - the most beautiful girl Isabel has ever seen. She looks up and smiles at them, and Isabel wonders how she's never seen this girl before because she radiates like the sun, long legs and soft blonde hair and petal pink lips and eyes as blue as the sky. It's terrifying and wonderful all at once and it hits Isabel like a brick wall.   
        Isabel tries not to stare, but it's really,  _really_ hard. Disappointment washes over her as Vilde leads them away to talk to someone else, but she doesn't look back. She's not sure if she wants to see the girl again or if she wants to pretend that the girl doesn't exist because she  _can't_ like girls, not like that. Not when her mother texts her Bible verses every morning. Not when she might've destroyed her best friend's relationship over a crush. Not when she's a girl.  
        Isabel doesn't have much of a choice. The girl shows up at the Kosegruppa meeting and offers to partner up with Isabel.  
        (There are butterflies in Isabel's stomach and she pretends that they aren't there.)  
        She introduces herself as Evelyn Bech Næsheim and Isabel almost wants to laugh because it's as though she has a  _type_.  
        (This close, Isabel doesn't know how Evelyn can't hear her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest.)  
        If Isabel asks Vilde about Evelyn, she knows that there'll be suspicion and last year's  _are you a lesbian?_ is still ringing in the back of her head, so she searches her up and finds a video and ends up watching Romeo and Juliet.  
        Isabel meets Evelyn again on the train and blurts out  _are you eighteen?_  and  _can you buy me beer?_  because Vilde needs some for the next Kosegruppa pre-game and she's desperate to spend more time with Evelyn.  
        Evelyn agrees and says she forgot her ID and invites Isabel to her apartment.  
        And so it begins, the laughter and the butterflies and Isabel feels like she's on top of the world because she's spent all day in Evelyn's apartment and-  
        Evelyn has a boyfriend.  
        She falls and crashes, and she  _should have known_ but she wasn't careful and it's happening again. She has to get out of there. She runs and runs and runs and fate laughs in her face.  
        Sana asks her if something's wrong the next day. Isabel says she's just tired.  
        (She shouldn't feel this crestfallen over a girl she just met. She shouldn't feel this crestfallen over a girl, period.)  
        Evelyn shows up to the next Kosegruppa meeting with her boyfriend, and Isabel tries not to care. Eva asks her if she's okay and Isabel remembers when it was Eva who she was pining after, Jonas who she was jealous of. She feels pathetic. She tells Eva she's fine.  
        Then she stays behind to clean and so does Evelyn and she says something about how she's not sure she's in love with Sol and Isabel is breathless and Evelyn steps closer and-  
        A door slams.  
        Isabel, all at once, feels ashamed and frustrated and  _confused_  but she can't deal with it because Noora is home and she looks like a mess.  
        Isabel makes tea and sits down with Noora and listens to her about William.  
        (She still can't help but feel a little bitter about her disrupted moment, but she reminds herself that Noora is more important.)  
        And then Noora asks who 'that girl' was and what was going on. Noora has been pouring her heart out and Isabel suddenly feels so dishonest and alone. The story spills out of her and she stumbles over her apologies, but Noora just gives her a hug and tells her that she no longer has to go through this alone.  
        She tells the rest of the girls that night. She doesn't say anything about her crush on Eva, but she thinks that maybe Eva knows.  
        She's glad that it's not brought up.   
        They tell her to go talk to Evelyn and Vilde supplies her with Evelyn's phone number.  _can we meet? it's isabel._ she says, and they do, on a hill overlooking the entire city, stars studding the sky.  
        That's where they kiss, and it's a supernova, something she's never felt before. It's _right_. It's soft and gentle and there's no stubble. It tastes like candy and it smells like vanilla and it's  _perfect_.  
        ( _The first time that Isabel sees Eva, she thinks that this must be love._ )  
        (The first time that Isabel kisses Evelyn, she knows that this must be love.)  
        Evelyn promises to talk to her boyfriend.  
        Isabel is _flying._  
        She feels like nothing could bring her down, and she tells the girls as much. All her problems fade to background noise, an untroubling hum in the air.  
        Then, Isabel sees Evelyn kissing Sol.  
        Isabel's not sure what she's done to deserve this, this constant rise and fall of hope and sadness. She feels like a black hole, but the girls are there to soak up her tears and comfort her. At least she doesn't feel alone.  
        A rumor starts going around that Isabel hooked up with 'some girl from third year' and Isabel feels  _exposed_. She's spent her entire school career trying to hide and in the span of a few hours (because of that first year that Isabel rejected, Vilde later finds out) everybody _knows_.   
        It's like she's drowning, water filling her lungs, and she feels as though everyone is looking at her. Staring. Whispering.  
        The girls make their support known. Sana yells at the boy in the hallway when she sees him, sharp words that tear him to bits.   
        If Isabel has to go through this, she's grateful that she at least has her friends.  
        And then things get better. Evelyn breaks up with Sol. Evelyn meets the girls.   
        (At some point, Isabel makes some throwaway comment about her mother's illness, a  _she's crazy_  that she immediately regrets; Noora would scold her if she knew. She doesn't think much of it.)  
        Isabel tells her parents that she has a girlfriend. It takes all her courage and the girl's support, but she does it.  
         _Oh,_  her father texts back.  _Okay._  
         _Dear Isabel_ , her mother texts back,  _I will always love you_.  
        Isabel feels a bit like crying.   
        After that, everything goes to shit.  
        Sometimes, Isabel thinks that her life follows some sort of horrible pattern; up, down, up, down, and the higher the ups, the worse the crash that follows.  
        Nothing could be worse than Evelyn in danger as Sol yells _Y_ _ou think she's in love with you? She's manic!_ All Isabel can think about is her mother and she wonders if that makes her a terrible person.  
        (Or perhaps it's already established that she is. There has to be a reason the universe is doing this to her, playing her like a puppet.)  
        Vilde tells Isabel that Evelyn " _went psycho last year on the Elvebakken's facebook page_ " and Isabel inadvertently snaps at her, fear and resentment building up like bricks because Evelyn won't text her back.  
        When Evelyn finally does text her, she's in the church with both her parents for the first time since Isabel's father left and her world turned upside down.  
        At first it seems like an apology, and then she realizes it's a goodbye.   
        The panic is overwhelming; it engulfs Isabel whole.  
        She runs and runs and runs and makes it just in time and she's never felt relief like this, spreading out to her fingertips and through her entire body.  
         _You are not alone_ , she whispers against Evelyn's lips, and this more than _I love you_ , this is  _I would do anything for you_ , this is  _I will always be here for you_. This is more than butterflies and hidden glances. This is everything and Isabel finally understands movies and books and TV shows and why someone would uproot their entire life for someone else.  
        (Isabel would die for Evelyn.)  
        (Isabel would live for Evelyn.)


End file.
